This list is something inspired by skippyslist.com, and applied to Otherkin. This was something Erelin and Fionn worked on during the Hollow Hills gather. The first one involving dragons and tennis balls had our resident dragon floored. Literally.

1. No longer allowed to take human recruits on the Wyld Hunt.
2. No longer allowed to take any recruits on the Wyld Hunt.
3. Not allowed to call the Wyld Hunt on recruits.
4. Or superior officers.
5. No longer allowed to draft people from neighbouring nations.
6. No longer allowed to draft recruits from neighbouring dimensions.
7. No longer allowed to put the dragon barracks near ammo dumps.
8. or fuel dumps.
9. Not allowed to put spiked pit traps in the mess hall.
10. The rank insignia tells how high up the chain of command a sidhe officer is, not the length of the stick up his/her ass.
11. Not allowed to look at medical records for the length or existence of said stick.
12. Not allowed to bring pepper to the dragons.
13. No longer allowed to order therianthropes to remove their coats.
14. I should not throw tennis balls at the dragons and yell “Charizard, I choose you!”
15. Throwing a tennis ball and saying “Charizard, I choose you!” is not how you call in a dragon air strike.
16. Not allowed to alter rations to have Mountain Dew with grapefruit juice.
17. Not allowed to convince the dragon recruits to hoard shell casings.
18. Not allowed to bend space-time during live-fire exercises.
19. Not allowed to film the therianthropes in the shower, during medical exams, or in the conjugal rooms, and sell the tapes as furry porn.
20. Not allowed to leave recruits out in the woods.
21. No longer allowed to send nymphs to the grunts.
22. No longer allowed to bring nymphs on base.
23. Even if they are for the superior officers.
24. This rule does not apply to nymphs who ARE superior officers.
25. No longer allowed to bring satyrs on base.
26. Not allowed to hold pixie races.
27. Not allowed to refer to gryphons as “choppers.”
28. The appropriate address for any sidhe of superior rank is “sir,” not “you pointy-eared freak.”
29. Any otherworld denizen with pointed ears is not a Vulcan.
30. I must not leave iron tacks on the sidhe sergeant’s bunk.
31. The appropriate response to any sidhe officer’s order is not “live long and prosper.”
32. The appropriate response to any satyr officer’s order is not “woohoo!”
33. Not allowed to make cadences in Gaelic.
34. Or Tolkien elvish.
35. or klingon.
36. Not allowed to challenge officers to rigged drinking games.
37. Not allowed to alter space-time during basic training.
38. Not allowed to slow time around grenades.
39. Especially not allowed to speed time around grenades.
40. No longer allowed near duct tape.
41. C-4 is not silly putty.
42. nor is it a laxative.
43. I do not see dead people.
44. Saying “I don’t believe in faeries” will not kill any of the troops, but may offend homosexuals.
45. The elven snipers are not all named Legolas.
46. Not allowed to bend space-time during formations.
47. I must not stand at the entry gate to the base with a mage staff and shout “YOU CANNOT PASS!”
48. I am not qualified to administer iron supplements.
49. Iron supplements are taken orally, not rectally or via sniper rifle.
50. I may not prescribe drugs.
51. I may not bend space-time to re-enact scenes from “the matrix” on the firing range.
52. Being put on KP does not mean I am allowed to spike the officers’ coffee with Tabasco sauce.
53. Or Ex-Lax.
54. Or Dwarven Whiskey.
55. Not allowed to abduct civilian children and replace them with cheap copies.
56. Social services does not handle changelings.
57. “We’re off to see the wizard” is not a cadence.
58. Not allowed to skip in formation.
59. Not allowed to order the troops to skip in formation.
60. Not allowed to spread pixie dust.
61. Not allowed to order the merfolk to march three miles.
62. No longer allowed to bring a siren to the karaoke bar.
63. Not allowed to throw a grenade past any therian unit and shout “fetch!”
64. “Do virgins taste better than those who are not” is not a cadence for dragon units.
65. No trainee exercise will begin with “and a five, six, seven, eight…”
66. Bell-tipped shoes with curly toes are not appropriate combat dress.
67. Not allowed to trick allied units into surrendering to me.
68. My official position is not “happiness enforcement officer.”
69. Not allowed to tell the field medics to start clapping when there is a casualty.
70. The sidhe wearing cammo paint are not dark elves.
71. Not allowed to ask the new recruits to choose between the red pill or the blue pill.
72. Not allowed to switch the labels on the “eat me” and “drink me” bottles.
73. The dragon air superiority units do not need nose art.
74. The chain of command is not a toy.
75. No longer allowed to order dragons to take an emissions test.
76. The two drink limit does not include a whole bottle of mead.
77. Even if the general has a sense of humour, there is only one of him. Other officers are not so forgiving.
78. “My god can beat up your god” is not a cadence.
79. Neither is “it’s a small world after all.”
80. If I do start a cadence with “It’s a small world after all,” I will not be surprised if I am the victim of friendly fire.
81. I am not Master Chief, and the Unseelie Court are not the Covenant.
82. Not allowed to Riverdance in formation.
83. Not allowed to order the troops to Riverdance in formation.
84. Especially not allowed to order the dragons to Riverdance.
85. Mission plans should not include breaks in causality.
86. Mission plans do not include “the lamentations of their women.”
87. No longer allowed to utter the phrase “I give you my word as a pooka.”
88. The proper response to a lawful order is not “I disbelieve! I disbelieve!”
89. I cannot save vs. officers.
90. No longer allowed to sell commanding officers or noncoms to Santa.
91. Not allowed to deploy the Yeti in Iraq.
92. Any trap idea that causes my commanding officers to fall on the floor vomiting is not to be implemented.
93. No longer allowed to implement any idea that gives me “that look on my face.”
94. Tactics cannot be justified by the Anime Laws of Physics.
95. During basic training, I am not allowed to hold my rifle in the air and shout “this is my BOOMSTICK!”
96. Condoms are not a part of military protective gear.
97. No longer allowed to butt heads with the unicorns.
98. …or leapfrog.
99. Not allowed to force a name change on vestal virgins.
100. No longer allowed to sell soundtracks to battles.
101. Not allowed to tell dragons where the leprechaun gold is.
102. Not allowed to tell leprechauns where the dragon hoard is.
103. Not allowed to refer to the leprechaun rations as “me frosted lucky charms.”
104. “Dancing a merry jig” is not authorized PT.
105. Not allowed to paint the grenades like Easter eggs.
106. Not allowed to taunt the redcaps. EVER.
107. Brownies are a unit, not a part of the rations.
108. Not allowed to refer to the leprechauns’ naughty bits as “me frosted lucky charms.”
109. Not allowed to plant a pager on any soldier performing covert operations.
110. No longer allowed to supply the dragons with ketchup.
111. Not allowed to douse superior officers with ketchup.
112. Not allowed to convince the dragons that the chain of command tastes good with ketchup.
113. Not allowed to convince the dragons that any infantry or cavalry with armor are “crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside.”
114. No longer allowed to quote Hannibal Lechter or Titus Andronicus during combat missions.
115. Not allowed to try to convince the dragons that anyone is crunchy OR good with ketchup. They know better. I think.
116. Dwarven infantry are not all named Gimli.
117. The elves are not solely there to save my puny ass.
118. I am not to refer to any recently repaired weaponry as “the sword reforged.”
119. Not allowed to tell the infantry “don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes.”
120. Scout missions are not for selling cookies.
121. Not allowed to carry any weapon bigger than a nuke.
122. Not allowed to CREATE any weapon bigger than a nuke.
123. I do not have the authority to deploy nukes.
124. Not allowed to summon Cthulhu on the parade grounds.
125. My speciality is not demolitions. EVER.
126. Not allowed to challenge any soldier to a race around the world.
127. Nagah units do not have cadences which say “My anaconda don’t want none unless it’s got BUNS, honey!”
128. Not allowed to ask the minotaur units “got milk?”
129. Not allowed to call any centaur “Seabiscuit.”
130. Combat mages are not named Gandalf.
131. Or Dumbledore.
132. When someone challenges me to the field of honor, it has nothing to do with mowing the lawn.
133. “Can we settle this like men” does not mean running and screaming at the first sign of danger.
134. No longer allowed to make jokes about “my unit.”
135. Not allowed to talk about “clubbing baby seals” in front of the selkies.
136. Even if they are dressed in goth.
137. Not allowed to steal the selkies’ seal coats.
138. Or switch them in their lockers.
139. Or sell them on E-bay.
140. Stealing a selkie’s coat does not necessarily mean they will do my bidding. They will more than likely shoot me and find it anyway.
141. Selling the merfolk to Sea World is NOT funny.
142. “If you like pina coladas” is not a cadence.
143. I am not legally allowed to perform marriage. Even if I am, I am not allowed to do so by my commanding officers.
144. Especially if those being married are not aware of being married.
145. I cannot marry off my superior officers.
146. No matter how whiny the Wiccans get, I am not allowed to re-institute the burning times.
147. The civilians are not target practice.
148. Not allowed to switch the weres’ shampoo with Nair.
149. The proper way to assemble a platoon is not to shout “Level 46 Pooka LFG.”
150. Not allowed to tell the sprite, pixie, or brownie troops that “size does matter.”
151. I must leave the toadstool rings alone.
152. Not allowed to sell condos in the otherworld.
153. I am not Gordon Freeman, and the Crossroads is not Xen.
154. Nighttime ops are not “Blair Witch Projects.”
155. Putting up little stick dolls and piles of rocks around the tents is not funny.
156. Working with the dragon airborne units does not entitle me to frequent flier miles.
157. Or those little bags of peanuts.
158. There are otherkin besides sidhe in the officer ranks, and I should not forget this and make up conspiracy theories that say otherwise.
159. Not allowed to come up with conspiracy theories.
160. Or conspiracies.
161. Not allowed to make Stargate references, especially when opening interdimensional gateways.
162. Not allowed to make cracks about “taking this to a higher court.”
163. “Rocky Horror Picture Show” is not appropriate in formation.
164. Nor is it appropriate PT.
165. “Hulk Smash” is not a tactic.
166. Not allowed to institute Arcadian policy in any nation.
167. No longer allowed to go to Avalon on leave.
168. There is no such thing as the Whore of Avalon.
169. Pants are required for inspection.
170. No longer allowed to make pedophilia jokes about “the land of youth forever.”
171. Not allowed to send vampires to the summerlands.
172. Not allowed to switch the vampire rations with cherry kool-aid.
173. Not allowed to tie-dye the selkie coats.
174. Or any uniforms.
175. Or any officers.
176. Other ‘kin types are not Pokemon. I do not need to “catch ’em all.”
177. I cannot marry my superior officer’s child.
178. Not allowed to ask for “your first born child” as a reenlistment bonus.
179. No longer allowed to feign death whenever I hear a gunshot.
180. The proper way to end a situation report is not “and I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.”
181. World of Warcraft is not a real military exercise.
182. Not allowed to fondle ordinance while hissing “my preciousssss…”
183. Not allowed to fondle officers while hissing “my preciousssss…”
184. There is no such thing as sexual warfare, no matter what the satyrs may say.
185. Not allowed to make remarks about “bringing a sword to a shootout.”
186. Not allowed to feign death whenever someone says “I don’t believe in faeries.”
187. Orders are to be given verbally, not rectally.
188. or by poking individual troops with a gauntlet.
189. It’s the Seelie court, not the Silly court.
190. No longer allowed to tend bar at the officer’s club. EVER.
191. Streaking is not an appropriate distraction.
192. Grenades are not appropriate substitutes for sporting equipment.
193. Not allowed to play Quidditch with the janitorial supplies.
194. Not allowed to call in air strikes on rush hour traffic.
195. Not allowed to attempt any of the items listed at skippyslist.com.
196. Not allowed to program any GPS to read “second star on the right, straight on until morning.”
197. Mission parameters do not include “kill moose and squirrel.”
198. Not allowed to make remarks to the women officers about their “Tir Na Knockers.”

Bailiff: Oyez, Oyez, Oyez, The Honorable Judge Ri, Tamer of Cats, Handler of Snakes and Elves, and Wearer of Lizards and other Reptiles, presiding.

All rise. Judge Ri looks at the docket, buries his face in his long slender hands, and groans.

Judge Ri: Are both parties in this case really elven princesses?

Bailiff: Sorry, Your Honor, I’m afraid so. I’ll buy you a bottle of blueberry wine afterwards.

Judge Ri takes his face out of his hands and looks at the parties to the case. At first, it is impossible to tell the Princesses apart. Both look like typical Elven Princesses: tall, slender, and fair as willows, with long hair as golden as the sun and large cornflower-blue eyes. Naturally, they are both dressed in white samite gowns and wear only the simplest of circlets on their noble alabaster brows… OK, enough already. Back to the case!

Judge Ri (to Plaintiff): Please introduce yourself and tell us what you are charging your sister with.

Plaintiff: I am Her Most Royal Highness Crown Princess Lilianna Nightshade. That imposter over there (glares spitefully and points at Defendant) calls herself Lillibelle Buttercup.

Judge Ri (rolling his eyes): Enough namecalling. What did Lilibelle do to you?

Plaintiff: She has tried to murder me!

Bailiff (under her breath): I can certainly see why. You are a royal pain in the…

Plaintiff: She fed me, a Noble Elven Princess, poison! And here it is! (She thrusts a bottle into Judge Ri’s hand.)

Judge Ri bursts out laughing.

Plaintiff: What’s so funny? You’re an elf, too. Oh, I get it now. You’re one of them, aren’t you? That slut Lilibelle has spread her legs and poisoned your mind against me…

Judge Ri: Lilianna, those are iron pills. Vitamins.

Plaintiff: Your Honor, if you are indeed a True Elf, you would know that iron is deadly to Our Kind.

Judge Ri: Hmm…so not only are you a paranoid idiot, you also have read way too many fairy tales. (He smirks.) I dis-

Defendant (identical to her sister, but vapid and sweet to the point of making you barf): Your Honor, the charges are true.

Judge Ri: If you did try to poison Lilianna, I can certainly see why.

Defendant: Oh, no, Your Honor, I would never do that! But I have still deserve the death penalty, Your Honor, for I have committed treason.

Judge Ri (totally confused): I beg your pardon?

Defendant: I have murdered poor, sweet, darling Lilianna many times.

Judge Ri: In a past life?

Defendant: No, in my heart. You see, Your Honor, the sacred teachings of HELL help me eliminate that which is negative from my life. For instance, before I joined HELL, I thought I had just as much right to the kingdom as Lilianna did. After all, Father did leave it in his will that we would rule together. But then I realized that due to my greed and my inability to relinquish venal material…

Plaintiff: Your Honor, you see why the kingdom should go entirely to me. My sister has proved herself an imbecile.

Judge Ri (to Plaintiff): One more word out of you and I’m charging you with slander. (to Defendant) Please continue.

Defendant: Well, Lilianna has always told me the truth, helping me to see my limitations, you see. Ever since we learned to talk, she was helpfully pointing out my failures. Before I joined HELL, I resented my sister’s efforts, thinking of her as a meanspirited, namecalling witch. But thanks to Daisy Sunshine’s loving kindness and teaching me to reframe things, I have seen that every person and experience in my life is a blessing. In every criticism lies truth. In HELL, I have learned to thank Lilianna for every truth that she imparts, and have stopped resenting her, for I have learned that she is, and has always been, my first and greatest teacher.

(Judge Ri barfs discreetly into a bucket).

Plaintiff: As you can see, Your Honor, my sister is an insincere little sycophant who does not deserve the throne. She deserves to be driven out of town as the little tramp that she is!

Defendant (to Plaintiff): Thank you, my dearest sister, for rebuking me for the sin that lies within me, for even though I am a virgin, I have stained my honor and disgraced myself by looking with longing on Sir Mark with lust in my heart.

Bailiff: May I duct tape them both, Your Honor? Between Lilianna’s bitching and Lilibelle’s blessing, I’m about to barf.

The Plaintiff and Defendant exchange brief but significant looks, whisper sibilant syllables, and point their hands at Judge Ri.

Judge Ri: Look ou-…AAAAHHHHH!

A large, brown, furry, frighteningly cute monkey-like beast with red eyes and bloody claws embraces Judge Ri.

Monkey: Mon-chee-chee, mon-chee-chee, oh so soft and cuddly!

Judge Ri: Help!

The Mon-chee-chee smells Judge Ri’s breath and runs out of the courtroom screaming. After all, he did eat a chocolate-hot sauce-tartar sauce-peanut butter-garlic sandwich for lunch.

Judge Ri glares at the Princesses, towering over them menacingly.

Judge Ri: You have left me with no choice. I shall have to boodle you both-right now!

He leaves the bench, seizes both Princesses, and boodles both of them at once. A horrifying shriek that shatters every window ensues as both Princesses collapse.

Judge Ri: Oh no. I hope they’re not dead.

Bailiff: I wouldn’t lose sleep over those two. After all, they tried to kill you, and they were both insane. I think the kingdom’s better off without them.

Judge Ri: True, but still…

Another horrifying shriek emits from the now-standing form of Lilianna. She claws at her face and screams.

Lilianna: Oh Danu help me, they’re in my eyes, they’re everywhere, get them off of me, ahhh!!! Go away, you @%#$%#$% Goetic Mon-chee-chees!

Judge Ri smirks triumphantly.

A loud, perky giggle, accompanied by gasps for breath in between shrieks of laughter, emerges from the opposite sides of the room.

Judge Ri: Lilibelle? Is that you?

Lilibelle is alive, conscious, and healthy, but so convulsed with laughter that she cannot get up from the floor.

Lilibelle: Hi, sweet mon-chee-chee, won’t you come and play with me?

Judge Ri (paling): You’re immune to the backlash?

Lilibelle (speaking in between gasps and giggles): What backlash? It doesn’t hurt a bit, Judge Ri, and I can’t shield one bit! Your energy tickles! (frowns as she sees Lilianna) Hey, what’s wrong with her?

Judge Ri: Whenever people try to mess with me, it always backfires, for I am the Avatar of Chaos! Chaos! Chaos! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

The vapid look goes out of Lilibelle’s eyes. She straightens up.

Lilibelle: Your Honor, you do realize that Lilianna’s charges are ridiculous, don’t you?

Judge Ri: Yes, I do.

Lilibelle: I have a record from the Royal Physician stating the Lilianna suffers from paranoia. (hands record to Judge Ri)

Bailiff: You people needed a doctor to figure that out?

Lilibelle (to Bailiff): Actually, no. But it makes it official. Since my sister is mentally incompetent, she is not fit to rule. Actually, the Royal Physician was at a loss, since we were both insane.

Judge Ri: You must prove your sanity, Lilibelle.

Lilibelle: How in Danu’s name can I do that?

Lilianna (hissing): I knew you were it on it! You are all responsible for…2#%#$%^#@^@%#^%@$^….#@%#%#@…

Lilibelle: Your Honor, I know now what I must do. Do you have any duct tape?

Judge Ri: I thought you’d never ask.

Lilibelle takes the duct tape from Judge Ri and seals Lilianna’s mouth shut.

BAILIFF: All rise for the Case of the Bondage Fairy, Judge Ri the Righteous presi-

(One PLAINTIFF gives a raspberry and smirks rudely. She is DAISY SUNSHINE, High Priestess of HELL, Humans and Elves Living Lovingly. A short, bovine-shaped halfling dressed entirely in pink velvet, her dull brown eyes make her resemble a retarded cow.)

DAISY SUNSHINE: Yeah, right.

JUDGE RI: I’m glad we agree. However, you are out of order. Don’t make me get out the duct tape.

(A hopeful sigh and an audible moan issue from JULIELLA, the other PLAINTIFF. She is a lovely fairy clad in nothing but tattered black lace, assorted bruises, and a radiant, if slightly stoned, smile.)

JUDGE RI blinks, but is otherwise unruffled.

JUDGE RI: All righty, then. Let’s get started. (To PLAINTIFFS). One at a time. What happened?

DAISY SUNSHINE: Here at Humans and Elves Living Lovingly, we only permit consensual loving relationships sanctioned by the Goddess of Pure-

JUDGE RI (trying not to yawn): Will you please get to the point, Ms. Sushine?

DAISY SUNSHINE: One of our initiates was taken away by THEM! (points at DEFENDANTS) She was abused and degraded and her innocence was forever lost. (JULIELLA interrupts her by turning a delicate shade of green and gagging). As you can see, Your Honor, when we found poor, sweet, dear Juliella, she was differently behaviored.

JUDGE RI: Juliella, could you translate Ms. Sunshine’s remarks? I’m afraid I don’t speak gibberish.

JULIELLA: Your Honor, I was not abused. I was perfectly fine until that – person – (makes a face and jabs a slender finger at DAISY SUNSHINE) dragged me out of Arianna’s arms – (she bursts into sobs, but quickly brightens when ARIANNA, a pretty black-haired human witch, quickly throws some bright pink energy sparks at her).

JUDGE RI: Are you saying Daisy Sunshine burst into Arianna’s bedroom and physically dragged you away?

JULIELLA: Yes, Your Honor.

JUDGE RI: (To JULIELLA) Thank you. You may step down.

(To DEFENDANTS): Please tell me what happened. One at a time, and no ass humor, DARIEN, or I will have to boodle you.

DARIEN (a tall, red-headed biker elf): You’d better not, or I’ll kick your-

DAISY SUNSHINE: You see what I mean, Your Honor? Poor innocent Juliella cannot be permitted to be around those-people!

JUDGE RI: Not even if sweet little Juliella is a psychic vampire?

DAISY SUNSHINE (stops gibbering for the first time since she got into court): What?

ARIANNA: It’s true, Ms. Sunshine. Juliella came to us in tears, afraid she would be cast out of HELL. We thought she’d been brainwashed by some fundy freaks, but-

DARIEN: It’s simple. The girl’s a vamp, but doesn’t know it, OK? Arianna feeds her and makes her see what she is. Then the Pillsbury Dough Girl here (points to DAISY SUNSHINE)-

ARIANNA: comes in ranting and raving and threatens to sue us for debauchery.

DARIEN: What’s wrong with debauchery and ass humor, anyway?

JUDGE RI: (To Darien) Nothing, but that’s not the issue here. (To DAISY SUNSHINE) As I was saying, I can prove Juliella is a vampire.

DAISY SUNSHINE: Not Juliella! She is as pure as-

JULIELLA: The yellow snow. And I am a psivamp. When Arianna threw that energy at me, I felt better. And ever since you dragged me back to HELL, I’ve been feeling terrible. You forbid me to feed-

DAISY SUNSHINE: But that’s wrong! That’s evil! Aieee!!!!! (She exits the courtroom screaming hysterically)

JUDGE RI: Daisy Sunshine seems to have gone insane. Juliella, do you wish to press charges against Darien and Arianna?

JULIELLA (rolls her eyes): What do you think?

JUDGE RI: Case dismissed.

(JULIELLA jumps and squeaks for joy).

JUDGE RI: Could someone please oil Juliella?

DARIEN: That’s someone else’s problem!

JUDGE RI: It’s a dirty job, but I guess I’ll have to do it.

(fade to black)

BAILIFF: All rise. The case of The Thaumaturgid Academy of the Theleturgically Gifted versus Willawyn Mourning Dove, the Honorable Judge Ri, Prince of Chaos, King of Tentacles, and Chief Boodler presiding.

(All rise. JUDGE RI grins maniacally.)

BAILIFF: Your Honor, I present the plaintiffs, Lord Nullturgid and Lady Odratta, High Priest and Priestess of-

JUDGE RI (interrupting BALIFF): Thank you. I am already well acquainted with these people. (to PLAINTIFFS): And what is all this about again?

LADY ODRATTA (a magewomon of size wearing enough patchouli to gag the Goat of Mendez): This traitor is unworthy to take up space!

JUDGE RI: Who, Lord Nullturgid?

(LORD NULLTURGID [a thin, weedy mage wearing ceremonial regalia that weighs more than he does] glares at JUDGE RI and mutters under his breath.)

JUDGE RI: I couldn’t hear that, Lord Nullturgid. Would you care to repeat that?

LORD NULLTURGID: I curse you to the darkest depths of the Stygian abomination of the Lovecraftian-

WILLAWYN (a pale, spastic girl-mage with a perpetual nervous tremor wearing a simple black robe): Pleae, my Lord, no!

(WILLAWYN leaves the defense box and throws herself at LORD NULLTURGID’S feet.)

JUDGE RI: Hee, hee, hee. That is the stupidest curse I’ve heard since the soundtrack of Battlefield Earth!

LADY ODRATTA: Your Honor, as you can see, this – girl – does not have the discipline, dignity, or deportment it takes to be a mage. She is a sniveling nuisance who must be expelled and declared Anathema in the sight of all the Awakened.

JUDGE RI: Oh, really? You mean she does not have the discipline, dignity, or deportment to curse a judge in his own courtroom?

(LADY ODRATTA glares at JUDGE RI.)

JUDGE RI (to LADY ODRATTA): I take that as a yes. (to WILLAWYN): Please get off the floor and return to your seat. As you can see, these two twits have no power to curse me – or anyone else, for that matter.

(WILLAWYN chokes back a giggle, stops trembling for the first time in her life, and runs back to the defense box.)

JUDGE RI (to WILLAWYN): Since the plaintiffs are not bright enough to explain this case, perhaps you can.

WILLAWYN: I am to be expelled from the Th-Thau- (She bursts into tears, unable to finish her sentence.)

JUDGE RI: It’s OK. I already know the name of your school. You don’t have to choke yourself on all those empty syllables.

(WILLAWYN turns red with anger.)

WILLAWYN: Your Honor, I may be unworthy, but I have sworn to defend the honor of the Academy, even unto death!

JUDGE RI: You poor deluded child, how can you defend the honor of an insitution that clearly has none?

WILLAWYN: I’m sorry, Your Honor, but I have to do this.

(WILLAWYN pulls a bugle out of her voluminous sleeve and blows it. The Noise of Doom erupts, forcing LORD NULLTURGID, LADY ODRATTA, the BAILIFF, and JUDGE RI to the ground. They all lie prone on the floor, not moving. WILLAWYN tiptoes over to JUDGE RI, still clutching the bugle. WILLAWYN kneels down, bending over JUDGE RI as if to close his eyes. JUDGE RI grabs WILLAWYN by the sleeve of her robe, flipping her onto her back. The bugle flies out of WILLAWYN’S hand. While holding WILLAWYN down with one hand, JUDGE RI snatches the bugle with his other hand, holding it out of WILLAWYN’S reach. JUDGE RI pulls WILLAWYN to her feet.)

JUDGE RI: You blow very well, my dear.

WILLAWYN: Thank you, Your Honor. Please allow me to attend to my Lord and Lady-

(The BAILIFF stumbles to her feet, groaning and holding her head.)

BAILIFF: What in Holy Hades was that?

JUDGE RI: That was Willawyn, on bugle. I have confiscated it as…evidence.

BAILIFF: A wise choice. The child is even more tone-deaf than you. Where’d she go, anyway?

(JUDGE RI and the BAILIFF look around, but find no trace of WILLAWYN. Suddenly, a high-pitched scream erupts from a corner. JUDGE RI and the BAILIFF go the corner, and find WILLAWYN on the floor, crouching over the bodies of LORD NULLTURGID and LADY ODRATTA.)

WILLAWYN (covering her face and crying): I killed them!

(The BAILIFF hauls WILLAWYN to her feet, opens a bottle of mead, and puts it in WILLAWYN’S hand.)

THE BAILIFF: Here. Drink this. All of it.

JUDGE RI (to BAILIFF): Are you sure that’s a good idea? She’s underage, and that mead was made by the Pirate Queen herself.

BAILIFF (to JUDGE RI): If you were the student of Lord Nullturgid and Lady Odratta, wouldn’t you need a drink?

JUDGE RI (shuddering): I’d need the entire keg!

BAILIFF: I rest my case. (WILLAWYN drinks from the bottle and stops crying. Once the courtroom is quiet, the BAILIFF kneels down and looks at the bodies.)

BAILIFF: Eew, yuck!

JUDGE RI: What’s wrong?

BAILIFF: Their eardrums exploded.

(WILLAWYN puts down her empty mead bottle.)

WILLAWYN: I’m sorry, Your Honor.

JUDGE RI: I hereby sentence you to one nose lick for apologizing too much.

(JUDGE RI licks WILLAWYN’S nose. WILLAWYN purrs and hugs JUDGE RI.)

JUDGE RI: You LIKE getting your nose licked???

WILLAWYN (still hugging JUDGE RI): Mrrow. Prrr. Squeak!

JUDGE RI: HELP!

(Fade to black).

LIVE FROM OTHERKIN TV:

The Bailiff:

Order in the court! The Honorable Judge Rialian, Prince Righteous, Defender of the Royal Throne, HOPE of the Realm, is now presiding!

Plaintiff: Lady Taffy Brightstar of Willowood Defendant: Rowan al’Thandor, alleged Dandelion Mage

The Plaintiff is suing the Defendant for $93 million for turning her crabapple trees into Dandelions and making wine from said flowers without giving her a share of the profits.

Judge Ri: What’s the problem?

Taffy (a small, rather rotund elf who resembles a ball of dough): He’s the evil Dandelion Mage, he is, he is! He turned all my crabapples into dandelions!

Judge Ri: And the problem is? (raises one eyebrow)

Taffy: He made wine and did not give me any of the profits realized!

(Rowan groans and shakes his head).

Judge Ri hands Taffy a slice of Brie: Here’s some cheese to go with your whine.

(Everyone groans).

Rowan (a handsome young dragon with a roguish grin): Your Honor, it was at Lady Brightstar’s request that I made the Dandelion Wine for her. All profits were to be split 50-50.

Judge Ri (to Taffy): Is that true?

Taffy: Yes.

Judge Ri: So, what’s going on here?

Rowan: We broke up, that’s all, and she went off her rocker.

Taffy: Your Honor, I am suing this evil Dandelion Mage for pain and suffering and damages inflicted…

Rowan: Well, I am countersuing for…

Judge Ri: Enough, both of you.

(Taffy and Rowan keep arguing and screaming).

Judge Ri: Don’t make me come down there.

(They both yell louder and start throwing things at each other).

Judge Ri: All right, that’s it!

He descends from the bench, grabs them both, and gives each a sloppy, resounding lick on the nose.

Taffy and Rowan: AAAAIIIEEEEEEE!!!! (They run out of the courtroom still screaming).

Bailiff: That wraps it up for today’s episode of Judge Ri! See you next time, when we have the divorce case of The Bondage Fairy who was kept in captivity by a band of Elves and liked it!