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Well, hello again. 🙂
Thanks for the heads-up about the quietness of this forum; that will probably keep me from fretting that I stepped on some elven toes by pestering them as a non-elf. 😛
Honestly, I’ve got to do some exploring to see if I can piece together where all these feelings are coming from and what sort of picture they comprise. What I can tell you is that I’m fairly sure I wasn’t born above ground. I gather this because I have always found myself out-of-sync with the very granola-head city where I live. I appreciate nature just fine but I’m not in awe of it like so many people are. Frankly, it rarely moves me and often annoys me. Sunny, hot weather makes me grouchy because I don’t handle it well physically. I hate camping out in nature. I hate hiking, especially up steep hills and mountains. I hiked the Adirondacks with my ex for her birthday and I absolutely loathed it. You know what does move me, though? Gemstones, especially unusual ones and ones that are interestingly cut. Blizzards. Cold. Cities, because they have stone buildings and the ones that aren’t stone are angular and sharp like cut stones. The one nature-related activity that I really, really liked was a tour into an underground cave in Ohio. It was cool and damp down there with air that felt perfectly fresh and climate-controlled. Honestly, I had no desire to come back up. If I had it my way, I’d live in one. But I have a feeling that at some point, I’d have lived on the surface because I probably wouldn’t have interacted with elves otherwise and while I’m not one to enjoy a summer frolic in the meadow, the natural world around me, though not enticing, is also not something that feels foreign.
Hello again. 🙂
Man, I feel like you’re in my own head! While I’m not shy, I have also spent a good deal of my adult life chasing the dream of a soulmate but never catching it. When I was a teenager, I never felt right pursuing boys (and was only compelled by social pressure rather than any desire) and when I ironed out who I am sexuality-wise in my late teens and early twenties, I thought I’d find it much easier to feel that magical connection with a woman. That happened once to some extent with my first gf but she was an exchange student and had to go back to her home country after a couple months together. We still somehow made it work for two years after but she was adamant about us staying closeted and eventually, I couldn’t handle that plus the distance anymore. I still miss how I felt with her but I’ve accepted that the circumstances put that relationship on borrowed time. Still, I can’t help but wonder if there was something special about her beyond her being the first woman I ever loved. I felt a sense of inner contentment and belonging with her that has eluded me with most people I’ve ever met or even dated, no matter how good they are, how long I’ve known them or how genuinely they care about me. I feel alienated from the human race in general and can’t remember when I haven’t but the prospect of finding a sense of belonging here makes me really happy.
As for parents, mine are, all in all, good ones. They’ve been happily married for a really long time and things were never dysfunctional growing up. The only major bump was when I came out. They weren’t initially supportive but they’ve grown a lot since then. Now they’re totally LGBT-friendly. So how about you? I’d like to know more about you, too.
Hello there, Liryen,
Thanks for replying to me. I didn’t think I would get anything less than positive feedback; the otherkin community has a reputation for being supportive. Nevertheless, I was nervous about spilling my guts and not being understood, especially considering how late I am to the party, so it was a relief to get a nice message back from you. In response to sneaking out of bed at night when I was little: My mom has had an in-home daycare business for over 30 years so I have way, waaaaay more experience with little kids and their antics than I probably ever wanted, considering how I have no biological clock to speak of. It wasn’t really my sneaking out of bed that struck me as, well, “off”; if my mother had a nickel for every time a daycare kid snuck off their mat during naptime, she could buy herself a new mattress. 😛 What set me apart, I think, was why I snuck out of bed. I sat on the top of the stairs because I wanted to hear my parents interacting downstairs, like bonding in their downtime watching TV together. I recall feeling really isolated and sad because of it, to the point of crying to myself, longing for the kind of connection that they have but ultimately not feeling like I could find or maintain such a connection with another human being. Those are heavy thoughts when you’re about 4 or 5 years old, and that feeling of being an “other” has never left. Does that make sense? I hope that helps to clarify.