Butterfly

Bailiff: Oyez, Oyez, Oyez, The Honorable Judge Ri, Tamer of Cats, Handler of Snakes and Elves, and Wearer of Lizards and other Reptiles, presiding.

All rise. Judge Ri looks at the docket, buries his face in his long slender hands, and groans.

Judge Ri: Are both parties in this case really elven princesses?

Bailiff: Sorry, Your Honor, I’m afraid so. I’ll buy you a bottle of blueberry wine afterwards.

Judge Ri takes his face out of his hands and looks at the parties to the case. At first, it is impossible to tell the Princesses apart. Both look like typical Elven Princesses: tall, slender, and fair as willows, with long hair as golden as the sun and large cornflower-blue eyes. Naturally, they are both dressed in white samite gowns and wear only the simplest of circlets on their noble alabaster brows… OK, enough already. Back to the case!

Judge Ri (to Plaintiff): Please introduce yourself and tell us what you are charging your sister with.

Plaintiff: I am Her Most Royal Highness Crown Princess Lilianna Nightshade. That imposter over there (glares spitefully and points at Defendant) calls herself Lillibelle Buttercup.

Judge Ri (rolling his eyes): Enough namecalling. What did Lilibelle do to you?

Plaintiff: She has tried to murder me!

Bailiff (under her breath): I can certainly see why. You are a royal pain in the…

Plaintiff: She fed me, a Noble Elven Princess, poison! And here it is! (She thrusts a bottle into Judge Ri’s hand.)

Judge Ri bursts out laughing.

Plaintiff: What’s so funny? You’re an elf, too. Oh, I get it now. You’re one of them, aren’t you? That slut Lilibelle has spread her legs and poisoned your mind against me…

Judge Ri: Lilianna, those are iron pills. Vitamins.

Plaintiff: Your Honor, if you are indeed a True Elf, you would know that iron is deadly to Our Kind.

Judge Ri: Hmm…so not only are you a paranoid idiot, you also have read way too many fairy tales. (He smirks.) I dis-

Defendant (identical to her sister, but vapid and sweet to the point of making you barf): Your Honor, the charges are true.

Judge Ri: If you did try to poison Lilianna, I can certainly see why.

Defendant: Oh, no, Your Honor, I would never do that! But I have still deserve the death penalty, Your Honor, for I have committed treason.

Judge Ri (totally confused): I beg your pardon?

Defendant: I have murdered poor, sweet, darling Lilianna many times.

Judge Ri: In a past life?

Defendant: No, in my heart. You see, Your Honor, the sacred teachings of HELL help me eliminate that which is negative from my life. For instance, before I joined HELL, I thought I had just as much right to the kingdom as Lilianna did. After all, Father did leave it in his will that we would rule together. But then I realized that due to my greed and my inability to relinquish venal material…

Plaintiff: Your Honor, you see why the kingdom should go entirely to me. My sister has proved herself an imbecile.

Judge Ri (to Plaintiff): One more word out of you and I’m charging you with slander. (to Defendant) Please continue.

Defendant: Well, Lilianna has always told me the truth, helping me to see my limitations, you see. Ever since we learned to talk, she was helpfully pointing out my failures. Before I joined HELL, I resented my sister’s efforts, thinking of her as a meanspirited, namecalling witch. But thanks to Daisy Sunshine’s loving kindness and teaching me to reframe things, I have seen that every person and experience in my life is a blessing. In every criticism lies truth. In HELL, I have learned to thank Lilianna for every truth that she imparts, and have stopped resenting her, for I have learned that she is, and has always been, my first and greatest teacher.

(Judge Ri barfs discreetly into a bucket).

Plaintiff: As you can see, Your Honor, my sister is an insincere little sycophant who does not deserve the throne. She deserves to be driven out of town as the little tramp that she is!

Defendant (to Plaintiff): Thank you, my dearest sister, for rebuking me for the sin that lies within me, for even though I am a virgin, I have stained my honor and disgraced myself by looking with longing on Sir Mark with lust in my heart.

Bailiff: May I duct tape them both, Your Honor? Between Lilianna’s bitching and Lilibelle’s blessing, I’m about to barf.

The Plaintiff and Defendant exchange brief but significant looks, whisper sibilant syllables, and point their hands at Judge Ri.

Judge Ri: Look ou-…AAAAHHHHH!

A large, brown, furry, frighteningly cute monkey-like beast with red eyes and bloody claws embraces Judge Ri.

Monkey: Mon-chee-chee, mon-chee-chee, oh so soft and cuddly!

Judge Ri: Help!

The Mon-chee-chee smells Judge Ri’s breath and runs out of the courtroom screaming. After all, he did eat a chocolate-hot sauce-tartar sauce-peanut butter-garlic sandwich for lunch.

Judge Ri glares at the Princesses, towering over them menacingly.

Judge Ri: You have left me with no choice. I shall have to boodle you both-right now!

He leaves the bench, seizes both Princesses, and boodles both of them at once. A horrifying shriek that shatters every window ensues as both Princesses collapse.

Judge Ri: Oh no. I hope they’re not dead.

Bailiff: I wouldn’t lose sleep over those two. After all, they tried to kill you, and they were both insane. I think the kingdom’s better off without them.

Judge Ri: True, but still…

Another horrifying shriek emits from the now-standing form of Lilianna. She claws at her face and screams.

Lilianna: Oh Danu help me, they’re in my eyes, they’re everywhere, get them off of me, ahhh!!! Go away, you @%#$%#$% Goetic Mon-chee-chees!

Judge Ri smirks triumphantly.

A loud, perky giggle, accompanied by gasps for breath in between shrieks of laughter, emerges from the opposite sides of the room.

Judge Ri: Lilibelle? Is that you?

Lilibelle is alive, conscious, and healthy, but so convulsed with laughter that she cannot get up from the floor.

Lilibelle: Hi, sweet mon-chee-chee, won’t you come and play with me?

Judge Ri (paling): You’re immune to the backlash?

Lilibelle (speaking in between gasps and giggles): What backlash? It doesn’t hurt a bit, Judge Ri, and I can’t shield one bit! Your energy tickles! (frowns as she sees Lilianna) Hey, what’s wrong with her?

Judge Ri: Whenever people try to mess with me, it always backfires, for I am the Avatar of Chaos! Chaos! Chaos! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

The vapid look goes out of Lilibelle’s eyes. She straightens up.

Lilibelle: Your Honor, you do realize that Lilianna’s charges are ridiculous, don’t you?

Judge Ri: Yes, I do.

Lilibelle: I have a record from the Royal Physician stating the Lilianna suffers from paranoia. (hands record to Judge Ri)

Bailiff: You people needed a doctor to figure that out?

Lilibelle (to Bailiff): Actually, no. But it makes it official. Since my sister is mentally incompetent, she is not fit to rule. Actually, the Royal Physician was at a loss, since we were both insane.

Judge Ri: You must prove your sanity, Lilibelle.

Lilibelle: How in Danu’s name can I do that?

Lilianna (hissing): I knew you were it on it! You are all responsible for…2#%#$%^#@^@%#^%@$^….#@%#%#@…

Lilibelle: Your Honor, I know now what I must do. Do you have any duct tape?

Judge Ri: I thought you’d never ask.

Lilibelle takes the duct tape from Judge Ri and seals Lilianna’s mouth shut.

BAILIFF: All rise for the Case of the Bondage Fairy, Judge Ri the Righteous presi-

(One PLAINTIFF gives a raspberry and smirks rudely. She is DAISY SUNSHINE, High Priestess of HELL, Humans and Elves Living Lovingly. A short, bovine-shaped halfling dressed entirely in pink velvet, her dull brown eyes make her resemble a retarded cow.)

DAISY SUNSHINE: Yeah, right.

JUDGE RI: I’m glad we agree. However, you are out of order. Don’t make me get out the duct tape.

(A hopeful sigh and an audible moan issue from JULIELLA, the other PLAINTIFF. She is a lovely fairy clad in nothing but tattered black lace, assorted bruises, and a radiant, if slightly stoned, smile.)

JUDGE RI blinks, but is otherwise unruffled.

JUDGE RI: All righty, then. Let’s get started. (To PLAINTIFFS). One at a time. What happened?

DAISY SUNSHINE: Here at Humans and Elves Living Lovingly, we only permit consensual loving relationships sanctioned by the Goddess of Pure-

JUDGE RI (trying not to yawn): Will you please get to the point, Ms. Sushine?

DAISY SUNSHINE: One of our initiates was taken away by THEM! (points at DEFENDANTS) She was abused and degraded and her innocence was forever lost. (JULIELLA interrupts her by turning a delicate shade of green and gagging). As you can see, Your Honor, when we found poor, sweet, dear Juliella, she was differently behaviored.

JUDGE RI: Juliella, could you translate Ms. Sunshine’s remarks? I’m afraid I don’t speak gibberish.

JULIELLA: Your Honor, I was not abused. I was perfectly fine until that – person – (makes a face and jabs a slender finger at DAISY SUNSHINE) dragged me out of Arianna’s arms – (she bursts into sobs, but quickly brightens when ARIANNA, a pretty black-haired human witch, quickly throws some bright pink energy sparks at her).

JUDGE RI: Are you saying Daisy Sunshine burst into Arianna’s bedroom and physically dragged you away?

JULIELLA: Yes, Your Honor.

JUDGE RI: (To JULIELLA) Thank you. You may step down.

(To DEFENDANTS): Please tell me what happened. One at a time, and no ass humor, DARIEN, or I will have to boodle you.

DARIEN (a tall, red-headed biker elf): You’d better not, or I’ll kick your-

DAISY SUNSHINE: You see what I mean, Your Honor? Poor innocent Juliella cannot be permitted to be around those-people!

JUDGE RI: Not even if sweet little Juliella is a psychic vampire?

DAISY SUNSHINE (stops gibbering for the first time since she got into court): What?

ARIANNA: It’s true, Ms. Sunshine. Juliella came to us in tears, afraid she would be cast out of HELL. We thought she’d been brainwashed by some fundy freaks, but-

DARIEN: It’s simple. The girl’s a vamp, but doesn’t know it, OK? Arianna feeds her and makes her see what she is. Then the Pillsbury Dough Girl here (points to DAISY SUNSHINE)-

ARIANNA: comes in ranting and raving and threatens to sue us for debauchery.

DARIEN: What’s wrong with debauchery and ass humor, anyway?

JUDGE RI: (To Darien) Nothing, but that’s not the issue here. (To DAISY SUNSHINE) As I was saying, I can prove Juliella is a vampire.

DAISY SUNSHINE: Not Juliella! She is as pure as-

JULIELLA: The yellow snow. And I am a psivamp. When Arianna threw that energy at me, I felt better. And ever since you dragged me back to HELL, I’ve been feeling terrible. You forbid me to feed-

DAISY SUNSHINE: But that’s wrong! That’s evil! Aieee!!!!! (She exits the courtroom screaming hysterically)

JUDGE RI: Daisy Sunshine seems to have gone insane. Juliella, do you wish to press charges against Darien and Arianna?

JULIELLA (rolls her eyes): What do you think?

JUDGE RI: Case dismissed.

(JULIELLA jumps and squeaks for joy).

JUDGE RI: Could someone please oil Juliella?

DARIEN: That’s someone else’s problem!

JUDGE RI: It’s a dirty job, but I guess I’ll have to do it.

(fade to black)

BAILIFF: All rise. The case of The Thaumaturgid Academy of the Theleturgically Gifted versus Willawyn Mourning Dove, the Honorable Judge Ri, Prince of Chaos, King of Tentacles, and Chief Boodler presiding.

(All rise. JUDGE RI grins maniacally.)

BAILIFF: Your Honor, I present the plaintiffs, Lord Nullturgid and Lady Odratta, High Priest and Priestess of-

JUDGE RI (interrupting BALIFF): Thank you. I am already well acquainted with these people. (to PLAINTIFFS): And what is all this about again?

LADY ODRATTA (a magewomon of size wearing enough patchouli to gag the Goat of Mendez): This traitor is unworthy to take up space!

JUDGE RI: Who, Lord Nullturgid?

(LORD NULLTURGID [a thin, weedy mage wearing ceremonial regalia that weighs more than he does] glares at JUDGE RI and mutters under his breath.)

JUDGE RI: I couldn’t hear that, Lord Nullturgid. Would you care to repeat that?

LORD NULLTURGID: I curse you to the darkest depths of the Stygian abomination of the Lovecraftian-

WILLAWYN (a pale, spastic girl-mage with a perpetual nervous tremor wearing a simple black robe): Pleae, my Lord, no!

(WILLAWYN leaves the defense box and throws herself at LORD NULLTURGID’S feet.)

JUDGE RI: Hee, hee, hee. That is the stupidest curse I’ve heard since the soundtrack of Battlefield Earth!

LADY ODRATTA: Your Honor, as you can see, this – girl – does not have the discipline, dignity, or deportment it takes to be a mage. She is a sniveling nuisance who must be expelled and declared Anathema in the sight of all the Awakened.

JUDGE RI: Oh, really? You mean she does not have the discipline, dignity, or deportment to curse a judge in his own courtroom?

(LADY ODRATTA glares at JUDGE RI.)

JUDGE RI (to LADY ODRATTA): I take that as a yes. (to WILLAWYN): Please get off the floor and return to your seat. As you can see, these two twits have no power to curse me – or anyone else, for that matter.

(WILLAWYN chokes back a giggle, stops trembling for the first time in her life, and runs back to the defense box.)

JUDGE RI (to WILLAWYN): Since the plaintiffs are not bright enough to explain this case, perhaps you can.

WILLAWYN: I am to be expelled from the Th-Thau- (She bursts into tears, unable to finish her sentence.)

JUDGE RI: It’s OK. I already know the name of your school. You don’t have to choke yourself on all those empty syllables.

(WILLAWYN turns red with anger.)

WILLAWYN: Your Honor, I may be unworthy, but I have sworn to defend the honor of the Academy, even unto death!

JUDGE RI: You poor deluded child, how can you defend the honor of an insitution that clearly has none?

WILLAWYN: I’m sorry, Your Honor, but I have to do this.

(WILLAWYN pulls a bugle out of her voluminous sleeve and blows it. The Noise of Doom erupts, forcing LORD NULLTURGID, LADY ODRATTA, the BAILIFF, and JUDGE RI to the ground. They all lie prone on the floor, not moving. WILLAWYN tiptoes over to JUDGE RI, still clutching the bugle. WILLAWYN kneels down, bending over JUDGE RI as if to close his eyes. JUDGE RI grabs WILLAWYN by the sleeve of her robe, flipping her onto her back. The bugle flies out of WILLAWYN’S hand. While holding WILLAWYN down with one hand, JUDGE RI snatches the bugle with his other hand, holding it out of WILLAWYN’S reach. JUDGE RI pulls WILLAWYN to her feet.)

JUDGE RI: You blow very well, my dear.

WILLAWYN: Thank you, Your Honor. Please allow me to attend to my Lord and Lady-

(The BAILIFF stumbles to her feet, groaning and holding her head.)

BAILIFF: What in Holy Hades was that?

JUDGE RI: That was Willawyn, on bugle. I have confiscated it as…evidence.

BAILIFF: A wise choice. The child is even more tone-deaf than you. Where’d she go, anyway?

(JUDGE RI and the BAILIFF look around, but find no trace of WILLAWYN. Suddenly, a high-pitched scream erupts from a corner. JUDGE RI and the BAILIFF go the corner, and find WILLAWYN on the floor, crouching over the bodies of LORD NULLTURGID and LADY ODRATTA.)

WILLAWYN (covering her face and crying): I killed them!

(The BAILIFF hauls WILLAWYN to her feet, opens a bottle of mead, and puts it in WILLAWYN’S hand.)

THE BAILIFF: Here. Drink this. All of it.

JUDGE RI (to BAILIFF): Are you sure that’s a good idea? She’s underage, and that mead was made by the Pirate Queen herself.

BAILIFF (to JUDGE RI): If you were the student of Lord Nullturgid and Lady Odratta, wouldn’t you need a drink?

JUDGE RI (shuddering): I’d need the entire keg!

BAILIFF: I rest my case. (WILLAWYN drinks from the bottle and stops crying. Once the courtroom is quiet, the BAILIFF kneels down and looks at the bodies.)

BAILIFF: Eew, yuck!

JUDGE RI: What’s wrong?

BAILIFF: Their eardrums exploded.

(WILLAWYN puts down her empty mead bottle.)

WILLAWYN: I’m sorry, Your Honor.

JUDGE RI: I hereby sentence you to one nose lick for apologizing too much.

(JUDGE RI licks WILLAWYN’S nose. WILLAWYN purrs and hugs JUDGE RI.)

JUDGE RI: You LIKE getting your nose licked???

WILLAWYN (still hugging JUDGE RI): Mrrow. Prrr. Squeak!

JUDGE RI: HELP!

(Fade to black).

LIVE FROM OTHERKIN TV:

The Bailiff:

Order in the court! The Honorable Judge Rialian, Prince Righteous, Defender of the Royal Throne, HOPE of the Realm, is now presiding!

Plaintiff: Lady Taffy Brightstar of Willowood Defendant: Rowan al’Thandor, alleged Dandelion Mage

The Plaintiff is suing the Defendant for $93 million for turning her crabapple trees into Dandelions and making wine from said flowers without giving her a share of the profits.

Judge Ri: What’s the problem?

Taffy (a small, rather rotund elf who resembles a ball of dough): He’s the evil Dandelion Mage, he is, he is! He turned all my crabapples into dandelions!

Judge Ri: And the problem is? (raises one eyebrow)

Taffy: He made wine and did not give me any of the profits realized!

(Rowan groans and shakes his head).

Judge Ri hands Taffy a slice of Brie: Here’s some cheese to go with your whine.

(Everyone groans).

Rowan (a handsome young dragon with a roguish grin): Your Honor, it was at Lady Brightstar’s request that I made the Dandelion Wine for her. All profits were to be split 50-50.

Judge Ri (to Taffy): Is that true?

Taffy: Yes.

Judge Ri: So, what’s going on here?

Rowan: We broke up, that’s all, and she went off her rocker.

Taffy: Your Honor, I am suing this evil Dandelion Mage for pain and suffering and damages inflicted…

Rowan: Well, I am countersuing for…

Judge Ri: Enough, both of you.

(Taffy and Rowan keep arguing and screaming).

Judge Ri: Don’t make me come down there.

(They both yell louder and start throwing things at each other).

Judge Ri: All right, that’s it!

He descends from the bench, grabs them both, and gives each a sloppy, resounding lick on the nose.

Taffy and Rowan: AAAAIIIEEEEEEE!!!! (They run out of the courtroom still screaming).

Bailiff: That wraps it up for today’s episode of Judge Ri! See you next time, when we have the divorce case of The Bondage Fairy who was kept in captivity by a band of Elves and liked it!